My life has gotten to a really quiet place. I’m single (divorced), live by myself in a small quiet apartment. See my kids five days a week at their mother’s while she’s at work so we can keep homeschooling our daughters. I’m slowly figuring out what and how to make money as a stay-at-home-home-schooling dad. Socially, I tango multiple nights a week. Exercise, 3-4 times a week I go to yoga. Generally, getting enough sleep.
Just saying that I am pretty active. Losing weight, feeling pretty good. Though my old friend visits now and then the episodes are brief for the most part. As long as I get enough sleep depression doesn’t call the shots any longer.
As far as romantic relationships, other than thinking it would be nice to share dinner with someone special now and then, I feel pretty peaceful being alone. Tango helps quite a bit with the need to be close to other people. Then there’s the realization that lack of sex is vastly preferred to sex for it’s own sake.
That’s not to say I’m not open to meeting someone and being in a relationship. I just don’t feel a strong drive to put a lot of energy into a pursuit. Friends first would be ideal, anyway.
It took me a while to be willing to admit though that the lack of interest in the pursuit phase of the dating game does go deeper. Social expectations are part of why I am pulling back from potential dating opportunities. Part of me pulls back from women who show an interest in getting to know me.
Why? Because I have no cash flow.
Currently, I live on the sale of a house and a business. I’m also living the austerity life style. Having no debt helps a lot. Really, I am quite responsible financially. I don’t ask or expect financial support from anyone. Depending on who you ask, pathologically independent might be another description.
What’s going on? Gender roles. Men bring in resources. Watching people’s behavior (not their words), this meme runs deep for men and women. Not bringing in physical resources means not being ready for a mate. Or evidently,even the process of meeting a potential mate.
Even though in a way I really am able to be semi-retired! At least for a few more years. Which makes me wonder about actual retirement. Hopefully, I’ll have a bunch of this sorted by then and be able to make a graceful transition in my golden years. Except that sounds kind of boring. Who knows?
As always I’m learning lots. Where I’m at right now has inspired me to regain my social skills, focus on my health, kids, and build my business. Learning to be content no matter what is happening in life. Feeling happiness come from inside myself and flow out to the world instead of expecting anything or anyone to make me happy.
All while watching this semi-conscious avoidance of potential relationships because of something inside myself. I’m not complaining. The growth is the point and a process I welcome. In fact, I find it kind of funny. There’s always something. The key is to remember to just observe everything inside and outside yourself with compassion. Really, life if pretty funny if you can adjust your perspective enough.
Just being. Being human. I love discovering love inside myself. Watching myself being human with patience and compassion. Love is always there.
I think the biggest lesson I’ve been learning so far in life is that no matter the circumstance of my life or relationships with others, Love is there, part of and flowing through it all. Love isn’t about happiness or anger or success or whatever. It just is.
Can you relate?